i am aware of things, am aware of situation, i can analyze and recommend solutions to myself
have you ever been in a situation where time and energy are the only ones holding you back?
like 24 hours is not enough and you wish you can have all the energy and dont have to sleep so that you can do things?

I am tired of the game(s).
Something that's more tiring than the Olympics, something that uses up energy and resources like Dementors sucking out life from me.

Independent women are supposed to be smart, fashionable (or should I say, presentable), strong women.

Damsel in distress are supposed to be helpless and hopeless, dumb blondes who cant fix a lightbulb without their men.

But apparently independent women are less intelligent pulak these days (err.. maybe just one independent lady, to be politically and emotionally correct for the sake of my friends with high self esteem as compared to moi) because.... we think too much kot.

I mean, since we are so independent and smart and not to forget the fusion of maternal instincts and manly responsibilities that we have to shoulder since... we're independent and we need to survive in this chauvinistic world, we tend to ... errr..... be fooled by others because.... we thought it's thoughtful and nice for us to do it because we have the resources and the abilities (since we're independent women and buy our own rocks and cars and such) but we forgot that people can be selfish and opportunists too.

I remembered that someone reminded me that people will take me for granted and also ambil kesempatan from me because it's me.

And now I'm feeling the pinch.

It is a lonely and unprotected life.

What's the price of friendship, I'd ask.

Now that everyone's shipped back to Kuching - Aimin's the last one yesterday - am finally back home, alone.
I miss Aimin, the fact that I love his jokes and his company - he's pretty mature for a 14-yo but I enjoyed hanging out with him anyway, and he's thoughtful in his own ways - and on that note, I start thinking, do I actually have a favorite brother? You know, succumbed to the favoritism and such?

Well, I should say I love my bros equally, I guess.

Aimin is naturally the one everyone loves coz he's the youngest. Ambo has his 'tough' moments, but all and all I think he's the nicest guy around. He can do better without his recently acquired belly - being a father already (why la eh) and he has better PR skills than me, seriously. Good natured, with excellent sense of humor balanced with good common sense. I think Fel has made an excellent choice :D And thank Ambo for 'bringing' Mumu in this world - Mumu rawks!

Am just glad both of them are respectful, sensitive enough, attentive and good guys all around. They may not be perfect, but at least they are not sampah masyarakat or anything.
I wish I can date my own brothers (or rephrase: someone with similar qualities!) hahahaha

I just miss them. And mom.

On other note, One In A Million was kewl....! That is, if you're there with me during the live show hehehe
I am so gonna support Shone, he's cool. And I hope Tiara will be one of the two that'll be out of the competition.. heh

So watch out for OIAM, I'll be there, somewhere, every week...

If you guys have the chance to watch it on TV, make sure you guys log on to http://oneinamillion.bluehyppo.com to chat with Paul Moss and Syafinaz live!
I know, I did :P

Chillin' at home.. and maybe another round on the dancepad, y'all.

Till next time.

I know some requested for my update (yes Aida, this is for you, although it might not be as happy and happening) but just want to let you guys know that am currently camping at my uncle's place in TTDI, waiting for news of my grandfather.
He's on his deathbed right now, all of us has 'talked' to him on the phone, asking for forgiveness from him, and saying the kalimah syahadah to him to aid his 'journey' to the afterlife, that is... if it's time for him to go.
I even had video calls via 3G to my brother, and saw him on video. He's still on an oxygen bottle, breathing. My uncles, aunties and mom were next to him, repeatedly chanting the kalimah syahadah to his ears.

He was hospitalized about a week ago, when he started feeling feverish one day before his planned trip to KL for my cousin's wedding here on 17th. It was such a blur, with my mom and brother arriving on 10th, and my grandpa's being admitted after my mom and Aimin touched down KL, everybody back home pushing us to go back to Kuching immediately (as if we have so much money to burn on flight tickets) - my mom and Lynn, my cousin went back on Friday on 8.15am flight (yours truly sent them to the airport) and Aimin's still around with me so with lil bro on board...

Ah well. 17th saw us attending Bang Edd's so-called wedding, as small as it was, still it was quite a reason to go back home, just awake enough to change my baju kebaya and planning to have a shower before bed - but I never got to have the shower anyway, slept wrapped in my towel - 'pengsan'!

So those are the major ones.

Some other activities:
Live & Loud KL 07
Went with Aida for the Turn on the Pop at Bukit Kiara Equestrian, had Japanese lunch before that at Hatsuhana BSC, and fortunate enough to get good parking a few metres away from the entrance - even the walk from the entrance to the actual stage was further than the distance from the entrance to my car. It was quite hot at 3.30pm - bought caps and 100plus to combat that - good thing I've got my sunnies on. Sat behind some hot chicks other guys cant get their eyes off them, even the photographers and videographers were 'mesmerized' by them. Anyway.... Peter also got tickets, and since I was already there, asked him to get Sabrina instead to join in. So long story short, everyone had a good time, I personally enjoyed Project Pop the best, and Shaggy, and Eliot Yamin. Whitney Houston was a bore, everyone's sick of waiting for her, and it's not as if her performance was not worth it, at all.. but apparently some people are die hard fans so.. be it then.
Too bad Peter was less enthused that night, so it leaves Aida, Sab and me to rock our way all night long. Not even the free 'sausages' we got with every purchase of Kyros Kebab's sausages were that sporting, more like frozen sausages.. ahahaha so kejam one.
Anyway, got intro-ed to two guys - friends of Aida's - they got to go on board my ride - muahahahhaahahaa I bet it was a totally different experience from the Jag, huh?
(please note that my sememangnya overused word/phrase is anyway, if you havent noticed - so just bear with it for a while ya.)
So that's Live & Loud KL 07, in the middle of the horse's park, mind you.
Oh ya. I was dressed for Whitney Houston so was wearing my jeans skirt (concert? yeah.) and my heels (not so concert-y , but more towards Whitney Houston-y) so at some point I just cant let my heels dig in my feet and kill me slowly so I just went barefoot. Muahhahaahaha

TM One Series Invitational Golf Tourney
That morning I had one hour's sleep, and by 5.30am I was already on the way to Binn's house to carpool to Kota Permai Golf & Country Club in Shah Alam. We were there by 7am (after filling up her gas and going thru McD Drive Thru for breakfast on the go) and arrived the same time as Dato' Zam - hik hik hik
And we're assigned to standby at the halfway hut. Hmmm.
I was paired with Rizal, a dude from Celcom - Binns was telling him that I'm trying to get my hands on MCR tix - but overall he's a good guy.
The golf tourney was good, ended quite late though but everyone's happy, at least.

Binns: I think you and Rizal got chemistry.. can feel it..
Finns: Please la. I dont feel anything at all.

And then after that.. Binns went to India for about a week, I emceed a signing ceremony with Maybank - the stupid thing is when the Negaraku song CD was corrupted halfway but a good thing that the guests kept on singing without music.

Went to Ryze mixer with Aida and Sab, met old friends, ate at Lotus Binjai later that night and then my sore throat started..............

And I got fever on Sunday, even have to refuse the free MCR tickets that Rizal offered.

On Monday mom and Aimin came... so bla bla bla bla....

- I've got myself a DancePad so I can dance on my PS2!!! Yippie!!
- Went to Klinik Penawar at Sri Serdang on Tuesday - the doc was HOT! heh. I didnt fill in the 'Status' section and he actually asked: Are you married or single? Cehhh. Single la beb.
:P So girls, untuk kelegaan cepat silalah ke klinik tersebut.
- Got so damn drowsy while driving towards TTDI and had to stop at Damansara Uptown coz cant continue the journey - have to sleep! I pity my mom and bro because they had to wait up for me catching up sleep - must be the cough syrup...
- Went for OIAM Top 12 press conference on Friday so got the chance to be up close and personal with the Top 12 contestants including Sarah Raisuddin, Intan Serafina, Shahila, Mark, Tiara, etc. Got the tix to all shows, so be nice to me ya.

Speaking of sleep, I need a few hours now - have to get ready to pack tomorrow morning so later then.

Anything just SMS me ok.

The joy of Streamyx broadband is finally here.
I dont need 1.0Mbps or 4.0Mbps, 512Kbps is good enough.

Now I have to think of paying my RM200++ phone bills, approximately 3/4 of it is my EZNet 1315 usage.

Broadband is definitely cheap and wayyyy much better.

*evil grin*

OK what happened last week?

• NTV7 Breakfast show - done. Hiccups everywhere but it's done.


• AmBank NexG iTalk PrePaid MasterCard Launch - done. OK lah.


• UrbanLive@ 1 Utama - done. OK lah. Got la 2 mags came to cover.


• FlyFM Flyniversary - lotsa VIP and VVIP tickets with me, but no takers. That's why la, rugi who dont want to befriend me.. hahahaha next month we'll start with One In A Million - so you better be nice to me now.

Next week:

• Prize Giving for iTalk 'Celebrate & Win' Contest (Monday) - erk. with PC..


• Let's Click!! Let's Click!!!!!!


• Pencarian Gadis Jelita BH @ Palace of Golden Horses - Tuesday


• The Sun 'Vegas' Party - Friday?


• Live & Loud KL 07 - Turn on The Pop - Saturday

*slumps*

I want to see My Chemical Romance lah....

---------------------

Have you ever heard of this: when you're dreaming, your soul is actually meeting up other souls elsewhere, thus the dreams.
Personally, I dont like dreaming, because it'll exhaust me when I wake up in the morning. But dreams, after all, a meeting of souls...?

heh.

Strange things, dreams...

No wonder my reputation was THAT BAD.

One incident: I found out that someone was actually LYING about me being in a meeting. Whereas, I NEVER attended the meeting mentioned.
No wonder I received furtive glances from the people from agencies, being frowned on by my own friends, being dissed off by colleagues and superiors.

Now, I know.

Fuck that particular department that I was in. Well.

But again, should I blame myself for accepting it, not resisting it by covering my own bases carefully just because?
One thing for sure, I dont want to be LIKE them, and I believe God will protect me, no matter what. And it's up to them what they wanna do because they're the losers, the suckers.

SUCKERSSSSSS!

hahahaha

I'm not bothered. Truth will prevail, and those in err, will be punished accordingly. God, is after all, the fairest of them all.

i was wasting my time on Facebook this afternoon when I found a group on I am Muslim 2 - a sequel of Dina Zaman's project, I am Muslim, and this time round she's asking for contributions, in the form of stories. I mean.. ah well.
However, it was shortlived.

http://iammuslim2.blogspot.com/

Still looking for one particular entry I did on I am Muslim, but over my EZNet 1315 dial up connection.. maybe not.

I'm currently reading "Sweetheart from Hell" by 16-year-old May-Zhee Lim.
What am I doing reading a chick lit written by a 16-yo? Dang.

1. It's chick lit, nonetheless. Excessive brand-name-throwing, Vogue-exaggerating, Devil-Wears-Prada-ing and squeeeeee girly dumb-blonde antics.
2. Pretty much a Malaysianized-skewed-to-Chinese (erm, the lead male is a Daniel Chou... ehem ehem) and yeah, I think I know where this is going.
3. It's funny. And I'm trying extra hard to ignore the fact that May-Zhee Lim is merely 16 when she wrote this to bask in the full benefits of going chicky/cheeky/hungry(?) over chic(k) lit.

ok ok ok ok
i'll finish it first.gimme another 2 hours.

The end of the week is wheezing at top speed.

Thursday saw me lounging around Jusco Cheras Selatan again, apparently it being my current hang out place just because of the Starbucks and Jaya Jusco and the distance. Manicure and spa pedicure done.
But I still think A Cut Above Bangsar does the best manicure/pedicure in town.

On Friday went to Pavilion (finally!) to see Gette and friends. Found a great eating place in Pavilion, where I can get my dose of carrot cake and awesome oyster omelette. Pavilion's Food Republic is to be on top list 'To Check Out'. Ended up doing a full-fledged shopping spree, which continues at 1 Utama. Sent them to Mines later for dinner.

Saturday saw me driving to TTDI to pick Alicia up with Trish, and drove all the way to Kuala Kubu Baru for our Charity Deepavali function. Had fun dancing with the girls, and headed on to Alicia's condo next to sort out some matters for the ntv7 interview on Breakfast show on Monday. Saw Alicia's wedding video, and cant help thinking, it's such a perfect wedding. She got perfect dresses, perfect wedding cars, perfect everything. Despite her natural make up in her NZ's wedding.

But no, I am so not going through it, again.

Today?
Jusco Cheras Selatan again? Maybe. Just to change the faulty extension plug.

Bangkok Jazz, 10.30pm - Lisa's performing!

This morning Binns and I were talking about how her dad scolded her for always staying back late at the office.

Then Binns said, "We've been trying to console ourselves and trying to feel good about our job by saying, it's for experience sake, yadda yadda but dont you think we're overworked?"
I said, "I see work as amanah - we've got to do whatever we're responsible/diamanahkan for."

Binns: Other people also diamanahkan but the point is, we're not being rewarded setimpal with what we're doing now.

Finns: But I believe we're part of a system, holistically we are contributing to a cause, a purpose. It's just that we chose to be at the toughest part of the system, whereby our nature of job requires us to be overworked. If you want easy work, you can choose to do so by transferring to another department?

Binns/Finns : hmmm ??!!?????

That's my job. Permanently.

I am sorry.
I didn't mean to. Seriously.
Maybe it's my bad writing. Yeah, definitely need to improve that.
Or maybe it's just me trying to hide my real feelings. Trying to cover up my weaknesses, for the sake of everyone else's feelings.
And I realized, sometimes you can do that, acting, the masked life thing.
But I also believe that at times, you can allow yourself to remove that hardened mask, the face you used to brave life's challenges. That's when and where you'll see my in my worst condition. That's when you'll see me crush down on to the floor, or stare at the ceiling, or just plain cry.

I am terribly sorry. From the bottom of my heart.

To give your best shot vs. keeping it real.
Being mean to be kind.
Trying to be smart and yet, being fooled every time.
Lowering guard vs trying to be just nice.

Mistakes are, after all, part of life. LEARN FROM IT, FINA. Please.

Be careful of what you wish for.

huh.

Yeap, it was.

It's true when people say, your first thoughts when you wake up in the morning will determine your mood for the rest of the day. Most mornings I will try to smile to myself and say, what a good day today will be.
Yesterday I cried in the shower when I was preparing myself for work.

It's just that I felt so alone, despite the stream of SMSes. And it struck me that exactly one year before, it all started.

And yeah, it was also a bad one last year, but I never felt sadder and cried more than yesterday. I vaguely remembered that I needed to rush to Tabung Haji on 8th Nov 06 for a function and almost killed myself by driving as fast as I can through the heavy rain. My car did an aqua-panning stunt in front of Dataran Merdeka, I almost lost control of my own steering wheel, luckily I didnt hit the motorcyclists taking cover at the nearby tunnel.
And it leads to what happened the day before, I was grumpy and sad because I had to work late by myself to settle things, didnt have dinner anyway. No birthday wishes from someone you would expect to be the first one to give you one.
It was heart-breaking.

Just emo.

Despite the efforts made by my extended family and friends to cheer me up with their SMSes, I still feel down in general. Situation at work didnt help.

As what Binns said, "it's all work, it's not personal."

Yeah, I agree. It's all work. That's what it's all about. I feel so inadequate. I feel so incompetent. Why did I do things that makes other people miserable? Can't I be more efficient, more reliable, PERFECT?
Instead, I was weak, forgetful, inefficient, slow, not meticulous enough, not up to the standard required.
And the excellent reputation of Zety that I have to raise up to. I keep on questioning myself, why cant I be more like Zety? Binns and Alicia talked highly about her.

Heh. Competition guard raised up significantly.

In short, I hate myself, personally, and professionally now.

Tough luck.

And I hate office emails now. Realized that we cant be personal, as much as we would like to but it's just a no-no.

Your exact email will be questioned and scrutinized and will create a different impression if you're not careful enough.

Trail of emails:
------------------------------------------------------------
From: Fina
To: Fariza, cc-ed to everyone, like usual

Dear Fariza,
I am informed that you will be in charge of the arrangements for FlyFM 2nd Anniversary at OU on 24th Nov – hope you can keep us in the loop on the information regarding this event because most importantly, we will need to re-strategize the messaging to the public, especially considering UrbanLive’s happening on the same day, same venue.
Hope you can help us in this.
Thanks!

To: Fina
From: Fariza, reply all + some additional recepients

Ok, will do. We will definitely keep u guys in the loop. TQ
Btw, have a very happy birthday Miss Fina… :)

To: Fariza, and stupidly, reply all (F@#$!)
From: Fina

Thanks dear (especially the “Miss” part! Muahahahahahha)


From: Boss
To: Fina, cc-ed to Corp Comm

Fina,

From yr emails, I dont see any details of the event at all. It is confirmed already so I was expecting to see the programme at the very least so I can inform Pn Z whether we can or cannot do any PR to support it.

You must have been too carried away with the fact that some people can still call you "Miss" ke?!?!
Pls get the details asap so I can feedback to Pn Z, o-wise she will think we didnt do anything abt it.

Thks

-----------------------------------------------------------

I was like... f---!

I drafted two replies. One that I actually sent:

Dear Boss,

You didn’t see any details of the event at all because I didn’t manage to get much details anyway. As you can see from the email to Fariza below, I’ve asked for the details from her since Zaina pointed to me that Fariza is the one handling the event on TM’s side.I’ve also called Nora to get more info, and all she said to me was yes, it is on, the FlyFM event is outside One Utama while UrbanLive is inside. The sales portion can only be done inside the mall so the booth outside will point the crowd to sign up inside.

The FlyFM event will include a concert in the evening.
I would prefer to brief you with complete details, but as for now, this is all that I have, including this ad from FlyFM website.

http://www.flyfm.com.my/advert/flyniversary/2ndfly/promopage01.html

Thanks

And the one I kept in my drafts folder:

Shucks, I shouldn’t have hit the ‘reply all’ button to that email :(
Just to let you know that in the previous email I have removed the irrelevant items to keep things straight.
Too bad that I presented myself in that way, didn’t mean to appear as carried away with anything at all.
Trying my best not to be a bimbo, but seems to be more like one these days. Don’t want to add one more bimbo in the team, enough la seorang. Moving forward, will try my best to at least meet your expectations.
Thanks

Well, it just hit me off, I almost ran to the bathroom and cried my heart out.

IT'S JUST THAT I'M NOT EXACTLY PROUD TO BE A "MISSY" BUT I JUST HAD TO.

Later I parked myself at the SkyGarden, watching the cranes move around and wondering what's the speed like, and hoping that the good-looking CFO MB would come out of his office and console me out of my troubles (kononnya laaaa).

Binns was trying so hard to be a good friend (thanks dear, appreciate it) despite the act they have to pull off.

I dont know whether it is really staged, all these sakit hati things (according to Trish, it is; but Binns (and I trust her more to be more transparent) indicated that it's all serious business). It was hurting too deep to heal already.
Binns ushered me to Bangsar Village later that evening, and apparently all Corp Comms minus one person were there to surprise me for a dinner at Suchan.
And then we had coffee at Coffeebean sampai kena halau ahahha..

But still, I cried on my drive back home. I just cant make myself happy.

Despite the rose Binns bought for me.
Despite the lovely Japanese lunch Michelle treated me to.
Despite the 'Savvy tido' MMS.

Despite everything, I still hate me for being stuck in this rut.

Get up and walk away from this black hole, Fina. Please. Come on. Move along.

p/s: Horoscope reading for the day:
It's all coming back -- your good energy is amazing even you. Even if you've been down in the dumps or took a fall recently, you should find yourself almost all the way back to where you were by the end of the day.

I sure hope so too.

That's quite a number of sevens. And twos. (1+1 is also 2? heh)

I have no fixed plans, no party in mind to organise, no expectations. All I want is peace, serenity, nice things to happen, people being nicer, that's all.
The wishlist is just plain wishlist (yeah, literally!).
But am expecting a storm (the less appealing kind, unfortunately). Well, not really a storm but a dark day ahead. Despite the brightness all around, good weather and all, I'm still feeling under the weather.

Expectations, expectations. And reputations to live up to.

These days I feel as if I'm being 'attacked' again - it's just the time of the month or something, like those moments I had when I was still in MarComm, and I'm tired of being on defensive mode. I mean, I am not a really defensive person in the first place, but the direct offensiveness just pulling me down. It's not so good for me since I generally prefer to be positive and happy, especially on my birthday.. kan? Should be entitled to one happy day, at least - that's why people say "Happy Birthday!" right?

I had ketumbit on my right eye and that worsened things, not wearing contact lenses and definitely stuck with the Cikgu Senah glasses for the time being. No eyeshadows, just shadows under my eyes to reaffirm my low mood.

I wonder how much cheering up I need. Seems like not working, those stunts. Life wheel, please turn up the other way quick. I just can't pick myself up for the moment.
Lonely 27th bday, that's all I can say.

- Toyota Vios
- Satria Neo
- Benefit make up
- Accessories - necklace, charm bracelet, earrings
- Spa/Massage voucher
- Book voucher, or books I dont have
- Movie tickets + company (got free movie tickets before but ended up throwing it in the dustbin because cant get anyone to go with me before the due date, wasted!)
- Hotel stay voucher/holiday voucher, anywhere
- Trip to Genting/Cameron Highlands/Pangkor whatever
- La Senza stuff
- Japanese buffet with sashimi on the menu thanks Michelle for the Sashimi lunch! Love ya! :)
- Cake with marzipan icing
- Flowers from http://www.gift-lab.com or http://www.pureseed.com.my
- Olympus Digital Camera
- Plain hoodie
- Club/Gym membership
- AbKing Pro
- Celcom/Maxis 3G broadband subscription + modem
- Babylon software
- Birthday card sent via mail with address so that I can write snail mail again
- Makeover voucher
- Dorothy Perkins voucher
- Karaoke session with friends, old and new (heh)
- new (convenient) boyfriend
- Pedicure/manicure
- waxing
- free car servicing
- MPO/Esplanade/Istana Budaya tickets

The Raya Open House this year was quite unkind to my feet, most of it my own fault for wearing those killer heels.
Anyway. Got to see the Prime Minister up close since he was officiating our coffeetable book: Transforming the Legacy. The press conference was short and simple, since he has to be elsewhere later that afternoon.
Went to Nikko Hotel later that day to check in with Trish, and had some nice cheese nan at Lotus Binjai across the road.
The rest of the day - relaxing in the comfy king-sized bed till the next day. What an ending to a tiring day.

This morning I opted to stay in bed and enjoy the luxurious room amneties instead of going off for a swim or a swing at the gym, and had breakfast in bed - bliss!
Packed to check out at exactly 12 noon, and back home by 1.

This is what I call a fulfilling Sunday.

p/s: the exhibition on the coffeetable book is now available for viewing at Menara TM's lobby. For those who are interested, you can visit us here in Menara TM and take a look at how TM actually transformed the telecommunication landscape in Malaysia all these years.

Lucky fatcatlim, he got his own copy of the book! :P

Guess who I beraya with?

( +1.. heh.. jangan mareee )